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I told Tyler today that I'm not going to wait for him....not because I didn't like him or I had someone else, it's just to hard for me to give my heart to someone who doesn't want it.....story of my life right?

He said he was glad that I wasn't waiting.............ouch........I know he meant it as "I don't want you to feel like I'm stringing you along" but it came across more as "All those things I said to you like I can't wait to fall in love with you, aren't true....sorry"

It's kind of a double edged sword (come to think of it, every sword has two sides....that's a stupid saying) I'm very scared to fall in love, and I don't express my feelings or let people in, but I also fall at the drop of a hat and invest myself mentally, physically and emotionally in the person I "love"..... Good job Zane.

I am no longer waiting.... I am no longer on cloud 9

in fact I don't know where I am...who I am...or where I'm going.

For some reason I feel really optimistic, which to me is funny because I feel absolutely alone...not in the "I don't have a boyfriend or any friends" type of way but more like "I don't have a mother, I don't have a father, I don't have someone to love, I have no one"

Which makes no sense because I have the woman who gave me life, the man who helped, the lady who raised me, friends, chosen family.........but.... no one can help me but me, and that sir, is a very lonely feeling.
I saw Tyler again today......

He had talked to his boyfriend last night and he broke up with him and his boyfriend said that they weren't going to break up. Tyler told me that hes never had someone refuse a break up before....So this means that they're still together.

Tyler says he doesnt know what to do, but in my mind I'm screaming at him to just tell Teal (his bf) that its over and done with....and the fact that thats not what he's doing tells me hes not ready for it to be over.

I wrote him a note saying that I'm sorry for seeming selfish and that I shouldnt be rushing things and if he needs more time with Teal I would understand and that I would be waiting for him, not because I think thats what he wants....but because its what I want.

I'm kind of hurt.

I guess I don't understand that if he likes me as much as he says he does and if his boyfriend makes him hurt like he said he does, why he's still with him. I keep telling myself its my naivety thats clouding my judgment.....my sheer selfishness thats not letting me see why I'm not the one he comes home to and why he's not the one who I can fall asleep next to.

I get so mad at him inside sometimes. Mad that he makes me cry, and hurt, and wait....even if I told him I would wait. But then I realize that even if I'm mad at him I still want to be with him more than anything. He's going to stop by LW in the morning before he goes to work and it feels like right now, thats what I'm living for. It's so stupid to want to see someone so badly who doesnt want you as much as you do them, and I feel like an idiot.....but this love is all I got going for me right now, so i'll take what I can get seeing as how I feel myself slipping again....but I'm not going to let it happen.

So I'm just going to have to wait like I said I would.....he means a lot to me, and I know that one day I'll mean the same to him.

Goodnight everyone.
A lot has happened between Tyler and myself and I feel like we are getting really close. He's said things to me.....beautiful things, that no one has ever said before and I know I will keep those things in my heart forever.

I got a text from Sam the other night (he was drunk of course) and all in all after I finally figured out what he was saying he said that he doesnt want me to fall out of love with him. At first I thought it was sweet but then I kind of got a little upset because he wanted me to love him he should have ATLEAST acknowledged my existence. I told him that I loved him and that I will always love him, but I'm not in love with him, which was a big step for me because I find comfort in the idea of Sam, hes always there (maybe not for me but hes there) and so far he hasnt changed. I knew I could love him forever, but it's just recently that I realize if i ever do, its going to be really hard to be in love with him again.

I cried myself to sleep last night because Tyler said he was going to break up with his boyfriend last night and then asked me if I would be mad at him if he didnt do it then. Then he said he would understand if I didnt want to wait for him (which I know he meant that he doesnt want me to feel like hes stringing me along) It just hurt because it made me feel like I wasnt important enough and he didnt care about me enough to want to be with me, then this morning I was woken up by the sound a snowball hitting my window....it was Tyler, so I went to the door and he had a note for me and it was very sweet.

I really like him...and I know he likes me...he likes me like no one ever has before, so it's going to take some time to get use to.

He hasnt been given the love he deserves and I want to be the one to give it to him.

Anyway thats my update.

Have you ever gotten the urge to crank up some music and just dance like no one's looking?

well...it feels amazing

A couple of days ago my friend Alysha and I went in to the American Eagle at Redmond Town Center because our friend Tiffany works there. After Tiffany hugged us she got on her little walkie-talkie headset and told her boss (hes the store manager) Tyler that he should come meet me. So the next thing I know I'm meeting this 6'4", stunning blue eyed man. After introductions he starts taking me around saying he was going to pick out an outfit for me, I was a little nervous, but other than that I had no objections. He picked out an outfit for me and surprisingly it looked good, so I bought the shorts he had me try on. When I was walking with him he said "Tiffany knows better than to bring in cute boys and get me all flustered.

After I bought the pants Alysha and I went out to dinner and we got a text from Tiffany saying that Tyler really liked me, but he has boyfriend, so I was a little disapointed, but it didnt stop me from coming in the next day.

I've been in American Eagle every single day since I met him, and I've gotten to know him and needless to say, I've fallen for this guy......hard....Did I mention that hes a professional dancer and 23?

The first time we hung out just me and him it was amazing, he got some soup and he shared it then we went to the park and went on the swings and then he dropped me off and he gave me the most amazing hug. That night we talked on the phone for like 3 hours. He had told me that he feels everyone comes into his life for a reason...a purpose and he told me that the reason I came into his life was so that he could be there for me, and support me because he could tell I needed someone.

We hung out again last night and when he hugged me goodbye I stayed in his arms for atleast 10 minutes and it was the best thing I've felt in a long time....it was weird, I felt....safe. and he said he wanted to kiss me but he had a boyfriend (things are a little iffy between them but it's not my place to talk about) so I asked him if a kiss on the cheek was against the rules, so he kissed me on the cheek and it was the most sensual innocent heartfelt (cheek) kiss i've ever experienced, then I got to kiss him back (on the cheek of course). We finally broke the embrace and I started walking to my door but just before I reached the steps he honked at me and I went back to the car and he notioned for me to get back in with his eyes so I did and he gave me one last kiss.

I've been floating ever since.

He's all I can think about.

Of course I saw him again today, it was more brief but he told me that he was going through a little rough patch and I just wanted to hold him, protect him...let him feel the safety he showed me.

The song "By Your Side" by Sade expressed my exact feelings for him.

I don't know what to do with this kid. He makes me feel things I've never felt before, what does that mean?

In my last post I said:

"I need someone to tell me everythings going to be alright, someone to hold me, someone to calm my anxious heart. It's not my parents, it's not my friends.....I dont know who it is, I just wish they would come soon."

Well...he came.
Today started out really well. I felt like I looked good, my friends at LW had given me awesome Valentine's day stuff and I got a ride to Nova.

Once I got to Nova I was a little nervous because I had a date with Sam to have lunch together. Then he texts me saying hes running a little late which was fine, then he said that he wouldnt be able to make it, and I was pretty bummed, because lately I've been thinking about him a lot and how much I just want to fall asleep in his arms like I used to.

Later on Kaylee and I went out to dinner which was nice. We both had to go home by way of westlake so we headed downtown and we decided to stop in Pacific Place because Venus works there and we saw him which totally brightened my day. Then as we were leaving I saw Mario and his boy toy walking in, so after I pointed that out to Kaylee, and I said "part of me wishes you would just go beat him up" and she was like "wait here". Not having any idea what she was about to do I wait outside while she went back inside. Then about 10 minutes later all 3 of them come back out. I met the boy Mario was with and he seemed nice, but he left quickly because as soon as Mario came up to me he was like "what the fuck Zane?" and Kaylee said "this has nothing to do with Zane, I'm the one who wanted to talk to you" So they argue and Mario is pretty pissed, then Kaylee storms off and I go with her. I love that someone finally told Mario he's an ass, but I hate that he hates me for no reason.

Then when I got back to the eastside I had to call Joyce because I guess the Redmond park and ride moved locations and so I needed her to pick me up so of course I get yelled at and when she picked me up her and Nama were fighting and I felt bad cause its their 10 year anniversary.

Finally when I got home I got a text message from Lacy (marios best friend) basically saying I need to fucking grow up.

I tired, im hurt, im pissed, im sad, and I just want this day to end.

I have all of these emotions inside and I dont know where to put them or how to express them, a lot of what I'm saying just doenst fully express how much pain I feel, and how I feel so trapped by them because I don't know what to do. What I'm saying now doesnt even make that much sense, I just wish you guys could understand what I mean. I just want to cry, and I want....need, someone to hold me, but I don't know who. It used to always be my mom who I wished was with me, but even though I love her more than life, I feel like shes not the person I need, I feel like there's no one in my life who I can just let myself break down with. I just need someone. I feel so alone.

I need someone to tell me everythings going to be alright, someone to hold me, someone to calm my anxious heart. It's not my parents, it's not my friends.....I dont know who it is, I just wish they would come soon.

Happy Valentine's Day
As you all know, Joyce and I don't really get along very well. There are times when we argue for house about the most stupid things. Here’s the thing, I learned in health this year that when it comes to negative communication there are four types of people, I also learned that Joyce and myself are what you would call a screamer, which means that when we argue we both have to be right and don't really listen to the other persons side because....well hey, I'm right and they're wrong. I recognize this and have been working on it. I also recognize that sometimes I am wrong, and there are plenty of times when Joyce had made me question my actions (of course I would never tell her this). Now I’ve been thinking about her side of the situation and need help looking at if from Joyce's side and that’s where you come in.

So I was at this even last night with my youth group USY (united synagogue youth) and this event is called into the night. It's when most of the chapters in our region come to Seattle and we all go to a place they don’t tell us until we're headed there (last year it was champs go karts, this year it was a glorified chucky cheese called Rocky and Bullwinkle’s family fun center). So we go to out secret destination, then at 12 a.m. we go back to the synagogue where there is some form of entertainment (this year it was a slightly interesting improv group) then from about 3 to 5 or 6 a.m. there’s a dance, then after that pretty much just hang out time (the idea is to stay up all night), then finally at around 8 we do shacharit (which just a weekday service) Then we eat and go home completely exhausted. Sounds like fun right? (It really is).

So here’s what I need help with. Nama picks me up and brings me home. I am at this time COMPLETELY trashed from not sleeping for 25 hours, I crash and just sleep. Then 3 hours later after being submersed in a deeeeeep slumber I wake to hear Joyce LITERALLY screaming at the top of her lungs because of...duh....super bowl Sunday. Now she’s not just root root rooting for the home team she is YELLING at one of the teams to do something or another. She's yelling so loud that Nama...little meek Nama has to tell her to be quiet. Me being in the dazed and confused state that I am in simply text her "shh" for one I am sleepy and two my mind had not really woken up to say something more put together. This is what she replies "It's the sounds of home deal with it" then I retort back with "you screaming is not a sound of a home" and finally she says "its super bowl Sunday get over it". Now she is angry with me. I didn’t ask them to turn the TV down, and to just sit there not breathing, I would have just simply been a little grateful is Joyce didn’t wake the dead with her lesbian football antics. I understand that football is more important than me developing as a healthy person...in fact so is Grey's Anatomy and Desperate Housewives, so please tell me how I could have handled this better....

And yes, that was sarcasm.
So I just finished a book called Dream Boy, and it the book two boys realize they have feelings for each other and draw closer and closer together. In the end Nathan, the younger boy, gets beaten by one of their "friends" who finds out about Nathan and Roy. When Roy come to find him and sees him on the floor cold and lifeless all he can do is break down, because he loves Nathan so much, he loved him as a friend and a lover in the most innocent way.

I've come to realize that thats what I want. I want to know that theres someone out there that if anything ever happened to be, because they loved me so much, they would be torn. I know it kind of sounds terrible, but I dont mean to say that I want to hurt someone, I mean I want....need to know that someone cares about me, truly loves me. Someone who will tell me they love me at the most random moments, someone who will hold me because they want to protect me even if were safe. I've never had that. I've come pretty damn close but I always seem to slip through their hands.

I hope you guys are getting what I'm saying because lately I feel like I havent been able to express myself. I am so compelled to write, and to write eloquently, but I just cant. I have all of these feelings that I want to make into a poem or write in a song, but I cant do either well.....especially write a song, but I want to so bad.

Anyway, that was just what I wanted to say.
If there was ever a time I needed to get my thoughts straightened out....this would be it.

My mind is reeling, and I have no idea why.

I like far too many people, and the wrong kind of people like me.

I know for a fact that I still love Sam, but I miss Mario, and I still have a crush on Tony, Pierce, and Steven.

Also I have NO plans for New Years and I was hoping to hang with Tony and Andrea, just cause they're fun people to hang with...especially if the occasion calls for...well never mind. But I was leaving Tony a comment on myspace (damn you myspace) and I saw that he got invited to hang with another guy from the chorus and the whole "you're too young" feeling is comin back. I like hanging out with people older than me, so I guess I should expect that there are going to be times when I cant join in and I just have to live with it.......BUT ITS SO HARD! I want to play with the big kids too!

I wanted to call my mom before she left for Cali but now its too late and I reeeealllly wanted to call her to tell her that I love and miss her. I have to call Max so we can hang out while he's in town

As for the liking people thing, I hung out with Sam these past couple of days, and I miss him, I miss being with him, I miss him holding me, I miss his kiss, his laugh...I just miss him.

I also miss Mario, I rushed into it so fast and it ended even faster that I dont think I have had time to process everything.

Tony...well Tony is a lost cause. I kinda wish we had the Bryan-Justin relationship, yea I know I've been watching too much Queer as Folk (you gotta admit though...it is an AMAZING show) and I should just let him alone...and I've tried, but something attracts me to the fact that he acts like an ass (he prides himself on it) but I know he cares (yes as a friend). If he ever read this I would be sooooo emberassed

Pierce.....well to tell you the truth, Pierce might just be a sexual thing (stupid testosterone)

Steven...Steven is very cute and funny and smart and unique and well something not a lot of guys are..into me. I could definitely see myself with him. And well I have hooked up with him...and it was intense....and he wants to do more....and...so do I.

As for the people who shouldnt like me, well I have a stalker in Utah, 2 guys on myspace who I have never met who have declared their love for me, an ex camp staff member is hitting on me and I may be encouraging it, and a partrige in a pear tree... I know I'm bringing it on myself...but seriously

I feel abandonded by camp people (not all) because hardly ANY of them talk to me any more, my mom wants to talk when I dont know what to say, I'm still fat, I have a headache now, my room is messy, I still dont feel connected to the Jewish community, I'm still struggling with the whole not ever being able to accept myself for who I am, I have done ANY ANY ANY acting since this summer and it is driving me nuts! ANNNND I feel like I cant sing well any more because im losing my upper register and I just dont sound goo therefore I will never make it on broadway thus ending all of my hopes, dreams and aspirations.

but I want to leave this on a happy note so,

Courtesy of Matt:
Why does a chicken coop only have 2 doors?

cause if it had 4 it would be a chicken sedan!


I miss camp
I havent felt like this in a long time. I thought....well things were supposed to be getting better. Then why do I feel so...empty?

Joyce is sending me off to foster care for a couple of weeks because shes done "dealing with me",my grades are significantly dropping My eating disoder is coming back, I was dumped, and the feeling I thought I so cleverly hid was buried, is surfacing again. I come to realize I am NEVER going to be happy with myself....ever. it makes me wonder why I just dont stop it all and do you want to know the funniest thing...the only thing keeping me from doing it...is Tony. the last time I was about to kill myself, I texted him and he got really upset and he said he would never forgive me if I did anything like that, and for some reason, I'm clinging on to that. Thats the last strand keeping me from floating away.

But thats what I want more than anything. I want to float away to where I dont feel this anymore, and I can just....be at peace. I want that so badly.

This feeling inside me, is so strong. i just want to give up, but then theres the part of me for some god for saken reason want to cling onto every bit of hope that things will get better..but I'm losing my grip.