I just realized something about myself......

I live in the past becuase I hate the present and I'm deathly afriad of the future.

As the school year is winding down to a close I've had some personal time to reflect on life..........ok who are we kidding I've been busy as fuck.


Well the Diverse Harmony concert is over and went so much better then I had expected (which is kind of saying a lot seeing as how the only good part I was anticipating was Alexandra's) I messed up my solo the first night but I guess no one noticed, and then I was losing my voice the second night (how does Alexandra do it???). If Diverse Harmony doesn't change the rehearsal days then I'm going to have to quit, because I've been waiting to be in the Men's chorus for God knows how long and I think it's time I go play with the big kids. I'm mostly just worried about seeing the choir die. Unlike everyone else I liked Rhonda (our old director) even if our songs were cheesy and we as the chorus didn't have much input on the selection, I think the songs still made a difference and it was definitely WAY more organized.

But enough about that. One thing I must reminisce about is Alexandra's performance. I swear to "insert higher power of your choice here" that she is the most beautiful (both inside and out) person I have ever had the please and honor to meet. When she sang it's like my whole world stopped and everything was dark except the spotlight that shone down , encircling her head like a wreath of pure light.

Before she sang one of her songs she talked about losing friends and we all knew what she was talking about and at the second show I started crying because I miss Richard....I really hope he's proud of me.



I wrote something about/for her, and yes I am aware that it is corny and expected, but whatever:


All this time I've been searching for you. I didn't quite know who you were or who you were going to be, but I knew that I needed you. I needed to find someone to save me, someone to hold me.......someone to love me. And then as if descending from heaven it self, you came into my life. You are my Angel.

I know I don't know her well....at all, and it's probably a little weird that I feel so connected to her, but it's weird when I'm with her i just want her to hold me cause when she does hug me the sense that even with everything that's going on, went on, or will go on in my life is happening for a reason and it will all be ok.

It was kind of inspired by the Sarah M. song Angel (I relate a LOT to this song), because whenever I listened to that song I realized I didn't have an angel, I didn't have a single person who I thought could show me that everything was going to be alright.










but I was wrong.

I think there is something seriously wrong with me medically. And what I mean by that is I can get really depressed (like to the point where I see absolutely no hope at all) then a couple of hours later I feel fine, well by fine I mean better. I'm going to talk to my doctor about it.


Anyway so Diverse Harmony went well and I am not as nervous as before about our concert coming up (June 2 at 2 and 8 p.m. at SCCC).

So this boy Spencer that I am dating is an amazing guy. I think he's probably the most genuine person I know, and I am very excited to see where we as a couple go from here. He's a special boy and I dont want to mess things up with him.



I just wanted to say thank you to all of you who seem to help me through my darkest times. Lately I've only been writing about how depressed I feel and how hard I feel like my life is and never talk about the positive things in my life that I really do appreciate.One of those things being you guys. I know I hardly ever respond back with comments to your guys' journals and for that I am sorry. Even with my absence of posts you guys still seem to find the time to help me, so thank you.


Good night everyone.

I feel sick. Not like I have a cold, but just sick. I feel so overwhelmed. I just got home from a USY (united synagogue youth) conventions and it was fun and I had a great time, but now I am home and I have to face what I have been putting off. Lyrica (school choir) is going to Vancouver Canada next weekend and I don't even know if I can get the time off of work, the diverse harmony concert is coming up so fast and I don't think we're ready at all and I just found out Chris just quit (thanks bud, that we needed any more stress, it could have waited), my new boyfriend (Yes I have a new boyfriend, and he's an amazing guy) is kind of clinging which I'm not used to and I feel that right now I need some serious space. Not because of him but because I've been feeling so stressed, and angry, and I don't think I am in right place to have a boyfriend....it's funny, all of these years I've been saying how the one thing to get me through, the one thing I really need, when I finally get it, I don't want it. I was finally getting used to being alone and I was learning to enjoy it and I dunno get to know myself I guess. Then theres my drive test I have yet to take, also since I'm going to be in Little Shop of Horrors my summer is going to be spent going from work to rehearsal from work to rehearsal, and I really don't mind that I just have so much on my plate right now and it's making me feel sick.

So I'm kind of stuck. I want so badly to just be care free and just let things take their course, but I never can, because I keep hitting road blocks. At the party I wrote about earlier I had met a lot of fun guys and for the first time I heard first hand that I was appealing in the way I've always wanted, but that's as deep as it goes. The only way a relationship could ever come out of these friendships is if I tell them my biggest secret, and I always get so pissed off and upset and I start to spiral down when I get rejected even though I know its coming, but why should I expect something different you know? I can't expect that they'll just accept it and not care,because seriously Zane, when has that ever been the case? I realize I need to stop wallowing in self pity and I'm not trying to come off across as someone just looking for attention I am just so sad no matter how good things are goin on in my life. I am just too much for people to handle, too different from they're cookie cutter image that I am supposed to be. I try. I act. I try and try to be someone who I desperately want to be but in the end I'm always stuck wearing a mask....alone.

I met this guy Doug at a men's chorus concert (he's a singer) not too long ago and he invited me to a party he was throwin. I was really nervous at first because...well I was only going to know 3 people there, but it turned out to be an amazing party. I have such a good time, and it was the first time in a long time when I've had a genuinely good time. It was nice. I met this guy there, Joseph, and we talked for a long time and it was weird because there was so much going on around us, but he made me feel like the only person in the room....I can't really explain it. I'm glad I met him. At one point I was so overwhelmed with happiness and sheer contentment that I felt like I needed to just step back and take a breath.


I could get used to that.



P.s. I am officially employed at a movie theatre and so far so good. I really like the other employees. Some of my boss' are intimidating and I'm not too fond of some of them, but there's a good handful of ones I like *cough*Jordan*cough*


The Diverse Harmony concert is reallllllly close and I don't feel prepared at all, not just myself, but as a whole, I don't feel like we're ready....or good.


Nova is going really well.


I got a call from the Children's Theatre and they want me to audition for Little Shop of Horrors, It was supposed to be today, but they postponed it to next week. I'm excited.


All in all, life is busy, but life is good.

To have someone like Joyce in my life.


Her and Nama(her partner) Picked me up from Diverse Harmony, and I on the way home I asked to go to the store to pick up some matzo so I could make sandwiches, so we got that then headed home.

Then as we pulled into the parking lot there was this really stupid radio commercial so I said "I hate the radio" and Joyce got realllllly offensive and started telling me how disrespectful I was and how I should just keep such rude comments to myself.

I tried to explain to her that I didn't mean to offend her or Nama and I that I just don't like the radio because they don't play what I like to hear.


She was still pissed and so she ripped the matzo out of the car and out of frustration and anger for her lack of caring for the fact that it's soo fragile I said..."What are you doing you...(I couldn't think of anything to say so I said) freak?!?" then she threw it at me.



I stayed outside for awhile to cool down and to put something in my car then she came back out to tell me to get inside the house and she was just going on and on about what a disrespectful person I am, and because I was just so upset I said "well at least I didn't throw anything at you" and she responded with " you're lucky that's all I do to you".




I hate living with her, but I can't live with my mom...and I definately can't live with my dad. I love them both but it just doesn't work.

I just wish I had a parent who I wasn't scared to live with because I was afraid of what they would do or say.

I'm on file in C.P.S because I told my guidance counselor one time about when Joyce hit me and how she's constantly saying reallllly mean stuff.

I'm not trying to complain...at all, and I'm not looking for pitty. I just hate going home to a place I hate with people who hate me.


I know I'm lucky to live the way I do because I know a lot of people have it a lot worse...I just....I dunno.


What can I say? I'm spoiled.

In like October or so I sent in an audition tape for all state (it choral thing that you have to audition for, so it's kind of like gathering all of the best choir, band and orchestra kids in Washington state) not thinking I would get it, but I did, and this weekend is when it was held and I had SO much fun.


Our choral director was Andre Thomas (Andre Thomas is a composer, arranger, director and writer known for his excellence throughout the music community), and I swear to you he is one of the most amazing people I have ever met. He's got such heart for music and he's just an amazing guy.

I made SO many new friends and I miss them so much! Like Chelsea, Keegan (shut up chelsea), Cassie, Sarah, Angela, Patrick, Jenny, just TONS of people.... I even cuddled with this one guy.. He was really cute and he was in my room and we just cuddled one night and it was nice.

This experience is almost up there with Chicago....well maybe its at the same level of bitchiness, but in a different way.

I'm pretty bummed it's over....we sounded so amazing.



....now.....back to the real world.

Tyler and his boyfriend broke up a couple of days ago....but it doesn't matter because he doesn't like me anymore.


Story of my life.